


Endless Horizon

by NotSoHotsuin



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Confession, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Short, a little angst - tiny angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8530075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoHotsuin/pseuds/NotSoHotsuin
Summary: The things they tell you and the things they don’t; the three important words.





	

Love comes with responsibility, devotion, and sacrifice. It is a feeling most people can recognize and relate to very quickly. Different kinds of love is given to different kinds of people; from the friendship shared with classmates and teachers, to the unconditional love of a parent. The emotions vary in intensity, but the meaning never changes. It is not unusual for humans to want each other to be happy, and it is not strange for humans to want to be the pillar that supports another and provides them with said happiness. That is what they tell you to think.

What they forget to tell you is that unrequited love comes with a lot of other unnecessary emotional strain and baggage. That love can fade, and that it can turn into one of the ugliest forms of emotions. It comes accompanied with the fear of loss, conflict, and pain.

Shinji had experienced loss before, and he was not prepared to deal with something like it ever again. Nobody was able to get him to open up, but he never really wanted anyone to open up to about his past anyways. It was something he told himself to easier accept the loneliness in his life. Living like this was fine. It was how things should be. That was what he thought until he came across a person that seemed to care about him like no one else really had.

What was it about Kaworu that made him feel at ease? Why was this relationship so special?  
  
Shinji did not feel as if he ever made a good first impression, and was often put under more pressure than he could handle from people he barely knew. Misato, Asuka, Touji, and even Rei had an important part to play in how he acted around others at NERV. These relationships slowly developed into something meaningful, but none of them had good beginnings.

Misato was given the responsibility of helping Shinji pilot unit 01, and put a huge burden on Shinji’s shoulders that he was not even aware existed. Asuka commanded Shinji to fight an angel with her against his will, forcing them into combat and putting both their lives in jeopardy. Rei never told him to pilot the robot, but what else was he going to do? Was he supposed to allow her back into the giant machine and let her die? Seeing her covered in blood gave him no choice but to follow his father’s instructions. Then there was Touji. Touji had punched him; hated him, all because he could not pilot the EVA properly and accidentally hurt people in the process. While these were relationships Shinji treasured now, none of them gave him a feeling of calmness when he first met them. The tension was always lingering in the air, and a lot of the bonds had strains that linked back to the feelings of guilt and suffering.

Everyone expected something of him; everyone wanted something special- something that he could not see in himself no matter how hard he looked for it. He wanted to be the person they expected him to be, but when you put someone up to such high expectations it’s easy for them to get demotivated and regress. Running away becomes a better option than failing to complete a task. What hurt the most was to know that they did not exactly need him. Even his own father had called him only because there was no one else. He was a last resort.

Kaworu was different. The boy never spoke to him as if he wanted something in return. Kaworu acted as if all he wanted was some company. The feeling was mutual, and talking to someone who was so straight-forward about what they felt was a refreshing change. Shinji found himself at a loss for words whenever the other boy approached him; asking him intimate questions about his likes and dislikes. Answering those questions made Shinji feel a sense of happiness he had not felt in a long time. It made him able to live a life he never really had since he started piloting the EVA. The idea of just spending time with someone his own age and sharing stories was something nostalgic that did not seem possible anymore. It was such a simple demand, such a non-issue, but Kaworu made it feel like a unique and worthwhile experience altogether.

The touches he shared with people were often not friendly touches. He had been punched, slapped, and underappreciated for things that were out of his control. Were they aware he was only doing this for their own good? That he did not want to become a pilot to begin with? He knew this was a lie. He piloted the EVA partly to hear the approval of others- to receive some sort of affection. His father's words still meant a lot to him for whatever reason. Blood bonds often seemed tied together with shackles.

Misato’s praise also meant a lot to him. She had quickly become an important figure in his life, and he could accept this because of the respect they gave one another. So why was it so strange to get the same feeling from Kaworu despite not doing anything to deserve his respect? Why was it odd to know he had done nothing extraordinary to receive this kindness? It was as if Kaworu simply appreciated him for existing. Was that idea too far-fetched?

Kaworu’s touches were kind. His hand would linger on Shinji’s shoulder a little longer than usual, or take a hold of his hand at random times for no real reason. In contrast with Asuka’s tight grip, Kaworu’s hands felt tender. Moments like those were fleeting but no matter how insignificant the actions seemed, Shinji continued to play the sequences of events in his head multiple times. Holding Kaworu’s hand became a very quick habit to the point Shinji did not want to let go. Luckily, Kaworu did not force him to, but the embarrassment that was starting to stack up did manage to make Shinji release his grip eventually. Kaworu never brought it up.

The closeness they shared started to become more intimate by each day that passed. It was a gradual change. He did not know why but the longer he held hands with Kaworu, the harder it was to let go. The familiar sensation of the other boy’s skin was enough to make his cheeks flush. Kaworu would let his thumb slide across the creases in Shinji’s hands, gently letting his fingers follow the lines in his palm. This was fine if they were alone in Kaworu’s apartment, but when they were staying at Misato’s it became a little harder to return the gesture. Kaworu’s perception was a blessing, because Shinji did not have to say what he was feeling in order for Kaworu to understand him. Similarly, it was easier for Shinji to read Kaworu’s expressions the more time they spent together.

Spending the night with Kaworu came with many benefits. Actions that he normally would not take became new possibilities he would actually consider from time to time. There was a slight amusement in seeing how Kaworu behaved when he was not around other people. He had little quirks and habits that only made themselves known when he was in a relaxed environment.

Shinji eyed the way Kaworu would brush his bangs away from his eyes as if he was swatting off a fly when he lied down to read. It was also interesting to see just how neatly his hair appeared to frame his face after a shower. Little silver strands would cling to his cheekbones and give off a faint shine under the right lighting. The usually clear and pale skin around his neck would often stay reddened for a little longer depending on how hot the shower was. These were the things Shinji caught himself noticing and thinking about, but he was not exactly sure why knowing these small facts about Kaworu made him so happy.

Everyone at NERV was so secretive, so afraid of growing closer that Kaworu’s personality only stood out more amongst the crowd. Kaworu wanted to get closer, and Shinji wanted to open up to him too. It felt as if Shinji could talk to Kaworu without feeling exhausted or drained of all his energy. Their relationship was founded upon trust and honesty. At most times, this was an advantage, but sometimes it felt as if Shinji could feel time stop around them.

“I love you,” Understanding the literal meaning of this phrase was easy for Shinji, but understanding why it was said to him of all people was something he never thought he’d figure out. He almost wanted to ask _“Are you sure?”_  

Empathy and endearment were emotions he never thought he was able to inspire in other people. It was tough to come up with a response because he could not figure out what type of love Kaworu was talking about. When Shinji posed the question and said he had trouble understanding the meaning and intent behind Kaworu’s words, Kaworu leaned in close and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

“So it’s…” Shinji could feel his cheeks grow warm. He had not expected something like this. His lips stopped moving mid-sentence, unable to form words. All he could think about now was how he actually felt a pleasant wave wash over him as Kaworu’s lips touched his skin. “-It’s a close friendship kind of love?” The tone of his voice sounded uncertain, and a little too eager to be proven wrong. Why was the idea of a friendship suddenly not as appealing as it was when they first introduced each other? Kaworu’s sincere smile always made Shinji’s own lips curve upward. It felt embarrassing to be this happy in the company of another person.

“Not really, but I was not sure if you’d be comfortable with a daring approach,”  
“Then… it’s not a close friendship kind of love?” This sounded confusing, and Kaworu could tell by the tone in Shinji’s voice that he did not fully understand the answer. “-Then what is it?” Kaworu’s hand moved to the back of Shinji’s neck and cocked his head slightly to place a more firm and determined kiss on his lips. His fingers curled around locks of brown hair as his other arm wrapped around Shinji’s middle and pulled him closer.

There was no point in asking questions anymore. Everything was clear from that simple action. The move took Shinji by surprise, but the tension in his shoulders vanished over the span of a few seconds. He parted his lips and kissed back, letting his hands wrap around Kaworu’s form shyly. There was nothing more he wanted right now than to be here with Kaworu. The fate looming over their heads could be forgotten for a few minutes. Nothing else mattered. He knew what it was he wanted, and he wanted this special bond to last forever.  

Opening up about ones emotions can carry someone into a world of indescribable and powerful positive feelings. It makes everything somehow feel lighter on your shoulders, as if the burden of your existence has been halved and is now being split between two entities. Your emotions synch up, your behaviors start influencing each other, and before you know it you’ve grown far too attached to imagine a world without the person you love. That is what they tell you.

What they forget to mention is the heartache and gut-wrenching melancholy that takes control of your body as you slowly watch the life of the one you love fade right before your eyes. For a feeling that could bring an unlimited amount of bliss into someone’s life, it could as easily bring an unlimited amount of suffering.  
  
“I love you” Is the pleasant beginning they disclose.

“I’m so sorry,” Is the aftermath of regret you discover on your own.


End file.
